'You never loved me' he said and I closed the front door

How romantic it seemed, how exciting even when we first became lovers, how he laughed with delight at my ventriloquist act and how damned erotic I found his barnstorming squirrels - the ease with which he controlled the rodents and helicopters. 'Gottle of geer' he'd say with a wink as a brace of furry tailed daredevils crashed triumphantly through yet another shed and my cheeks would flush red and hot. It was perfect. Too perfect as it turned out.

My suspicions were first aroused when leaving our hotel after the annual 'You Crazy Guys' festival in Toledo. He had been transfixed by an array of wall stickers in the lobby of our hotel - a simple composition of dark and light birch tree silhouettes creating an impression of depth that immediately caught and held the eye. I could see how happy it made him and I suggested we get something similar for my flat. He nodded vaguely and looking back now I see it was at that moment I lost him. It was left to me to persuade Barry and Leo into their transit cages.

On our return things rapidly started to come apart, I threw myself into my work and a new doll - an Afrikaans Police Inspector that although likely to be not very broad in its appeal, was certainly a challenge and ultimately very rewarding. My lover on the other hand let his act slide - potential bookings weren't followed up, two pre-arranged performances were missed completely and when Leo caught a cold it was me who applied the Vicks and wound his muffler. More and more time was spent trawling the internet for new stickers and only when the postman rang would he become animated, leaping up from behind the computer and rushing to the front door to greet the fellow like a long lost friend.

Eventually I asked him to leave. He at least had the decency to look ashamed. I asked him 'Why? Why are you so in love with those damned stickers?' He drew himself up to his full five foot six and looked me in the eye. 'Self-adhesive vinyl wall stickers are easy to apply, easy to remove, don't damage existing wall surfaces, come in a huge range of colours and styles..' Foam started to fleck his lips '..offer incredible value of money compared to other interior design solutions such as wallpaper, require no special skill or preparation before application and are fully UV resistant for five whole years!'

What a cruel untameable thing is the human heart.